The minute you walk in that joint…

“All I know is we’re going to Melbourne,” Learner Dad announced when we were talking about his Buck’s night.
“Is that what your groomsmen have organised?” I asked.
“No, but that’s what we’re doing,” he replied.
I was suspicious.
I hadn’t anticipated my Hen’s night would be anywhere but my home town.
Learner Dad had danced many a night away in Hobart.
Why did he need to drag everyone over to Melbourne?
“You want to visit strip clubs!” I exclaimed, the truth dawning on me.
“No I don’t,” he said.
But did he just look away?
“Yes you do. You want to go to strip clubs without getting caught!”
As he drifted off to sleep, muttering his denials, I thought about it.
I remembered when one of my best friends was getting married, she was ropable at the thought her fiancé might have a stripper.
Frankly, I didn’t see the big deal.
They were just naked women.
There was (hopefully) no touching and (almost certainly) no love.
Couldn’t he have this last hurrah?
But now I knew.
Now that I’d found a man who made me feel like the only woman on Earth worth appreciating, I didn’t relish the thought of him ‘appreciating’ anyone else.
But I couldn’t be a hypocrite about it either.
I thought about the prospect of a stripper at my own Hen’s do.
The two strippers I’d seen at such events were massive flops, if you’ll excuse the pun.
The first was a black man who didn’t speak English.
On his arrival, we quickly realised he hadn’t brought his own CD player, so he had to dance around the hotel room we’d booked to faint classical elevator music.
When he began getting himself off in a desperate attempt to generate any morsel of excitement among the ladies, he was ejected from the room.
The next time it wasn’t even a real stripper.
Caught up in the female frivolity, the bar manager simply convinced her own partner to do an impromptu number for the bride-to-be.
After a few awkward attempts at gyrating against her, his act was pulled (again, pardon the pun).
So what’s the go when it comes to Buck’s and Hen’s nights?
Does it simply stay on tour?
Do we go the rest of our married lives without ever asking what the other got up to?
While I may never know whether Learner Dad’s night was about women, I can say for sure mine will be.
It’ll be about dancing, drinking and laughing with them.
With all my favourite women.
I know doodles will play a part, but maybe they’ll just be made of sugar or plastic.
Or maybe I’ll have my own little secrets to keep.

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