The heart of the matter

“How can Mummy love my brother or sister when she says she loves me with all her heart?” Master Seven asked his Nanna before Li’l Fatty was born.
I must admit, it worried me too.
I’ve said it before: pre-Li’l Fatty, Master Seven was my world.
How could anyone else possibly come close?
So my infatuation with Li’l Fatty came as quite a surprise.
But, although equal in weight, my love for both my baby boys has been different.
From the moment I knew he was in my belly, my feelings for Master Seven were intense, fierce, based on the wonder and awe of giving life to a person, and watching him unfold before your eyes.
It was a love I’d never felt before.
I smiled, laughed and cried my way through his pregnancy, overwhelmed by my feelings for something I couldn’t yet see.
After he was born, I’d kiss every inch of his soft skin.
Including his bum.
Especially his bum.
I kept every toy that made him smile, even if only once.
I spent ludicrous amounts on professional photos and framed them by the dozen.
I hovered with a video camera while he was playing, bathing, sleeping.
And played them back that night.
Over and over again.
Sometimes I cried with happiness just looking at him.
Just thinking about him.
And at the the same time, I was scared to death something would happen to him.
So I was prepared for that intensity of feeling when Li’l Fatty came along.
But my love for him comes in a far more relaxed package.
I know more about what to expect, what to cherish and what to ignore.
I’m not weighed down by routine because I know it’ll sort itself out.
I’m not fixated on sterilisation because I know I breed them tough.
And I don’t try to remember every single thing he does.
Because I know I won’t.
So I’m just enjoying the ride.
Rather than cry, Li’l Fatty usually makes me laugh.
I do smother him in kisses too though.
But forget the bum – it’s the nape of his insanely soft neck that gets me.
Sometimes, when Master Seven channels the green-eyed monster, I remind him that, as a baby, he didn’t have to share me with anyone.
Li’l Fatty will never get the exclusive first-time love Master Seven was privy to.
But he’ll always get just as much.
That’s why, when I heard Nanna’s answer to Master Seven’s question: “How can Mummy love my brother when she says she loves me with all her heart?” I knew she’d nailed it.
“Her heart just doubles in size,” she said.
And that it has.


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