The parent traps

“Now don’t wake him up,” I cautioned Learner Dad as I went into the shower.
“I mean it.”
Li’l Fatty was having his first real sleep in.
And it was killing his father.
As the minutes ticked by until he had to leave for work, Learner Dad had begun pacing impatiently.
Sure enough, five seconds, literally SECONDS, after I got in the shower, he popped his head in to tell me our baby was awake.
“What? He was sound asleep a second ago!” I said.
“He’s moving now,” Learner Dad answered, quickly disappearing again.
I figured he was telling the truth, that Li’l Fatty WAS moving…. IN HIS SLEEP!
Either way he was, of course, out of his cot when I got out of the bathroom.
It made me think of the things new dads do in their innocent excitement at being just that – new dads.
Like another time, much earlier in the piece, when Learner Dad came home to find Li’l Fatty lying on the floor, squealing happily at the TV.
Excited, he rushed to get out the video camera, setting it up on the tripod between his son and the TV.
“Don’t turn it off…” I tried to warn him.
Too late.
The telly went black.
Li’l Fatty’s squeals of delight quickly turned into screams of despair.
“Aw c’mon li’l man,” Learner Dad said.
“You were fine just a minute ago.”
‘Yes, Learner Dad,’ I thought, ‘and you were instrumental in that minute.’
Then there was the time he came home to find Li’l Fatty playing happily on his back, without a nappy on.
“Careful picking him up,” I cautioned.
He didn’t listen and was promptly wee’d on.
He cursed, put him back down to wipe it off, then picked him up again.
Same again.
“Why do you keep weeing on me?” he muttered at Li’l Fatty.
Er, duh.
I really shouldn’t tease.
I mean, I too got my L plates seven years ago and learned many things the hard way.
In fact, if someone had been writing a blog about my parenting, there’d be tons of great material.
I was wee’d on, vomited on, even pooed on a couple of times.
I too hovered with a video camera almost 24/7 and was often screamed at for my trouble.
But one thing I never did…
Never ever even thought about doing…
Was wake the baby.


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