My big non-fat sleek wedding

Learner Dad walked into the loungeroom and tried to stifle a laugh.
I was down on one knee, pushing a hand weight out behind me.
“Don’t you dare laugh at me,” I declared, quite seriously.
I was already feeling self-conscious.
After months of telling people I wouldn’t be going on any fad bride diet, I had succumbed.
To be fair to myself, it wasn’t really a fad diet.
Firstly, I had eight months until the wedding meaning, if I wanted to drop a few kilos, my target would be a breezy single kilo every three months.
And secondly, as someone who puts food up with sleep and music as my three favourite things, I simply don’t do diets.
Besides, I didn’t want to look unlike my regular every day self to Learner Dad.
I had to retain some of the double chin and big boobs he fell in love with.
I was just watching what I ate.
And running.
And apparently, doing weights.
“It’s not funny,” I reiterated to Learner Dad. “You should be doing it too.”
Not satisfied with my own pledge for self-improvement, I’d given Learner Dad his orders too.
A kilo every month until the big day.
He’d made a couple of half-hearted starts, but I suspected his real efforts would come in the form of a bunch of Tony Ferguson shakes approximately nine days out from our nuptials.
There are both pitfalls and upsides to getting into shape for your wedding.
One of the obvious benefits is the actual ‘getting into shape’ bit, the eating good healthy stuff and getting out there and doing some exercise.
Another is getting ahead of the photographer, who will jam an extra five kilos on to your frame in every single shot.
But there can be negatives too, especially if you’re taking it very seriously.
I remember going to the cinema with my regular movie buddy in the weeks before her wedding, where she nibbled miserably on carrot and celery sticks while I munched into a choc top.
You don’t want the fun of planning a wedding to be overshadowed by the pain of not eating.
Then there’s the piling the weight back on bit.
How bittersweet to walk into your wedding all Miranda Kerr, only to return from your honeymoon all Kirstie Alley (on a bad day).
As a guest at many weddings, I can say I’ve never seen a bad looking bride.
I’ve seen some who’ve lost staggering amounts of weight.
And even the opposite.
One relative stopped breastfeeding two months out from her wedding and stacked on two dress sizes (fortunately for her she could afford to add weight and looked the better for it).
Others have walked the aisle with the same fabulous physique they carried a year before.
Either way every bride I’ve seen managed to look like herself.
Just her best self.
Now where are those weights?

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